What Is Domestic Violence?
Physical abuse is wrong - people should not be hitting/punching each other.
Most of the time the abuser is a man, but women batter too, although they are more likely to use words. Yes - words. There are 5 ways abuse can occur. Physical, sexual, verbal, emotional (the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse) and financial.
None of this belongs in a caring, committed relationship.
It can be stopped, but you will need help.
My Training in Domestic Violence and Batterer's Intervention Counseling
I have been trained by Human Options (Orange County California - OC CA) in Domestic Violence Counseling (DV), and the Relationship Training Institute (San Diego, California - SD CA) in their very specialized STOP Program which teaches Batterers' Intervention Counseling and Anger Management Counseling. David Wexler, LMFT of Relationship Training Institute created the STOP model of intervention used by Police Departments around the United States. Did you know that marital rape was not acknowledged, let alone illegal, until 1986?
David Wexler, LMFT, in "When Good Men Behave Badly" introduced the world to the cracked mirror theory which is the basis of the STOP Program used in batterers intervention counseling. When the abuser does not see, reflected on the face of their love object, the emotion they wanted/expected, then anger, rage and/or violence emerges. The STOP Program teaches the abuser how to STOP this process of thinking which can end in physically abusive rage.
There Are Two Types of Rage Outbursts:
Many different theories (Marriage, Domestic Violence, Attachment) describe two types of rage outbursts. Pit Bulls (dogs) and Cobras (snakes.) Just like our pets, the "dog style of rage" has signs that the violent partner is becoming stressed - they perceive that their needs are not being met - they are being insulted, disrespected, ignored, used...These people can be worked with - the abuse can stop. There is time for both partners to recognize that perception is off and stress is increasing. We can work to reestablish trust, and thus create a method to short circuit the (inappropriate) anger response.
0-60 in no time...
HOWEVER, with the cobra/snake style, these violent partners go from 0-60 in no time flat, and thus there is no time to short circuit this violent anger response to stress. I am sorry to say that with this partner, once the relationship has crossed the line to physical violence, it is my opinion that the relationship cannot be saved, and the abused partner should get out for their own safety. It is sad, but true. Now, that is NOT to say that the violent partner cannot do better in another relationship...it just means that this relationship has crossed a line, and there is no going back.
I can help you figure out who you are dealing with
- you do not have to go through this alone.
There is help and it starts with a phone call - (714) 743 5612 or TXT and ask for Dr. Mickey